.youth.

I hate it when my stupid pride gets in the way of me hearing what I need to hear.

I grew up in the church. I grew up a pastor's kid and a missionary kid. I went to christian school for seven years. And I'm a christian education and bible double major. I like to think that when it comes to the Bible, I've got it down pat pretty well.

But oh how that's not true at all. Somewhere deep down inside, my knowledge tells me I can never know everything. A few days ago, I was quite worried about a very good friend who is having health problems. Not just "haphazard, slightly preoccupied" worried. I was scared. Real scared. It was all I could think about and I had pretty much completely lost focus.

A friend of mine recognized this problem and decided to fix it. She sat me down in the hallway and read me Psalm 23, emphasizing verse 4: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil, for you are with me." And it was so simple but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

But my filthy stupid pride wouldn't let me hear it. You know why? Because my friend is a freshman. And one who had been a part of the Christian world far less than I have. And I wanted to think I knew better.

I don't know exactly when I came to my senses but the voice of youthful wisdom eventually broke through my idiocy and i realized:

A. she was right.
B. I do not have it as together as I pretend I do
C. this freshman is far stronger and wiser than I will ever be

It's so like God to remind me that He'll be with me through the valley and smash my pride to bits at the same time, isn't it?

Oh...and to you, dear young one.....thank you.

.disappointed.

How does one deal with disappointment?

Some get angry. Some get bitter. Some stuff it away to fester. And some simply give up trying. For good. Somehow none of these seem like great alternatives. But the advice often given to "just get over it" doesn't seem to adequately address the problem. Disappointment runs too deep to just "get over."with it come self-doubt, frustration, and hopelessness-- and you don't just get over those. You deal with them, most often extensively. And you know what--it's normal. Those things are going to come every now and again. But where on earth can we let these emotions take us, where we don't fall into destructive patterns of thinking?

Yesterday, a church billboard guided me to 1 Thessalonians 5:18-- "in everything, give thanks for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So...through your disappointment-- give thanks. Through your self-doubt and frustration-- give thanks. Through your hopelessness-- give thanks. But why?

Well, not only are we commanded to do so, but also we are assured that "tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint." And there we come full circle-- the disappointment is vanquished and we are the better for it.

So the solution to the raging emotions that appear in the aftermath of disappointment...

...give thanks.

And never, ever, ever stop trying.

.torn.

I have a love/hate relationship with distance: it loves me, and i hate it.

There is absolutely nowhere in this world that I can go, where I'm not very very far away from someone or some place I love dearly. "I miss you" and "I wish I was..." are a common occurrence in my conversations. And I hate that.

Not only do I hate the fact that my heart will always be in more than one place at once, but, more than that, I hate that I can never seem to focus solely on being exactly where I am. If I could truly live in the present and enjoy what I love about wherever I happen to be in that moment, I wouldn't need to miss, and I wouldn't need to wish.

But then again...isn't it the missing and wishing that makes the reunion that much sweeter?

I'm not sure.

All I know is that, regardless of the pros and cons, it hurts a lot to be so torn....

.home.

Wow. It's been quite a while. Life kind of took off second semester and didn't stop...well...till it was over. But now, I'm home. And it may be the last time.

When I first found out we were leaving, it hurt. A lot. I was shocked, blindsided...it was so completely unexpected. That weekend was hard. But I was OK. I was with friends...and went back to friends...and they were just what I needed when I needed them. Every once in a while it would hit again that home wasn't going to be home anymore...and the pain and grief would flood back and I would mourn the loss of the ties to my childhood once more.

And then I got here. And my bed was buried in boxes, and our apartment was one huge garage sale. My books were sold or boxed, our furniture was sold or given away, our decorations were all off the walls....everything was different. We'll be going into Paris one last time before I leave....so I can say good-bye to the city of lights for...well... a while. We'll see how that goes.

But I've realized since I've been here, that though this country--and this city--holds a lot of memories and pieces of my heart, I'm ok with it just being a part of my life. It's been great--I've loved it here. But I'm a Taylor-ite now...and for at least another year...that has to be home. Life goes on and I think it's ok that home moves around. It's not easy to have my heart in so many places, but it has made (and makes) my life that much richer.

On the bright side of this move, my family will be closer than 6 hours from me-- and on the same continent--which hasn't happened basically since I was 10 years old. I'll see my brothers and my parents and we can kind of be a normal family again. And maybe there's something awesome that I can't even imagine about living in Perrysburg, OH. I mean...we ARE only an hour and a half from Cedar Point. That's gotta be good for SOMETHING right?

So for now, I'll enjoy my time home, and my last visit to my old stomping grounds (good ol BFA) while at the same time doing my best to look ahead and smile, knowing that God's got something great in store for my family...even if we have to live in.....Ohio :P

.missing pieces.

today was a slow day. a long day. a quiet day.

i did a lot of sitting in class and meetings and alone in the study room/my room and not a lot of people-interacting. that's not very me-like and i'm not sure why today was the way it was other than that i was just really pensive today.

things have changed. i'm not sure what, how or when. but they've changed.

a place i once called home, a place in which i felt comfortable, a place that missed me when i was gone....is now a place that i feel like i don't fit in anymore. it's still home, and it's still where i come back to at the end of the day. but when i'm gone, it doesn't miss me anymore. and somehow, selfishly, that hurts.

for most of this change i have no one to blame but myself, and the friendships and memories i've gained in the process are most definitely not something i regret. but sometimes i want to go back...to the days when i'd get a phone call, text or email wondering what i was up to and where i was. but i've become too predictable. the assumed forecast for my current location is consistently "away" and if i just happen to show up it's no more than a pleasant surprise.

if you're reading this and you're a part of what i'm talking about, please don't take offense. i still love you all dearly and i still very much enjoy your company. i'm almost glad that you don't get mad or frustrated anymore when i'm gone all the time. cuz i do enjoy the other part of my life as well.

i just wish that sometimes....you would miss the missing piece...and ask me to come back and complete the picture.

.bigger.

it's been over a month since i last shared my thoughts with however few of you read this. mostly because there has been nothing much to report. home was great and j-term has been life as usual.

but last night is deserving of some kind of reflection....

a friend called it "sobering" which i find very appropriate.

at about 9:30 a friend called me in tears and told me that she was coming over to talk. i knew that she had been dealing with a lot of stuff so i was a little uneasy about what to do, but i wanted to be there for her and i knew that, if anything, i could at least hold her while she cried.

5 minutes later, one of our asians runs in frantically looking for our hall director, and, finding his PA instead, decided to report to him that his roommate had been hit by a car from behind and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. thus began several hours of people running around on phones, and the rest of us sitting around waiting for the next bit of news.

when my friend arrived, again a few minutes later, i let her cry and did all i knew to do to help her, all the while wondering what had become of our second youngest swallowite.

needless to say, not much studying got done. my friend left promising me she felt better. i still worried. news came that mark would be having minor surgery in the morning and that he would be fine. i was still shaken.

the title of this post is a repeat of one i wrote last year. i was reminded of this in the midst of everything last night. no matter how scared i get, no matter how much i hurt for my friends, no matter how much life feels so out of control, i know the One who's on the throne.

and He's bigger.

2 Corinthians 12:9a- "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (NIV)