pensées

.relocation.

2010-05-31T00:07:00.001-04:00

hey everyone (cuz i'm sure my readership is SO vast)

just wanted to let you all know that i've relocated to wordpress. i needed a change...so i changed. also it gave me something to do while i've been sitting around bored at home :)

the new website is: jesseelisabeth.wordpress.com

come see me there!

TTFN!

.the end?.

2010-05-25T12:31:00.002-04:00

And so an era ends. I've graduated from college and have been thrust into the real world. Strange....so strange.

I don't want to make this too sappy or depressing, but I've been in a reflective mood lately so I decided it was time for another post.

The last three years have been quite the adventure. I've absolutely loved just about everything about Taylor-- the people, the activities, the dorm life, the classes-- maybe not the homework, but just about everything else. Sure it's been hard sometimes and many moments have been full of frustration, anger, tears and more. But the pain and tough times have more than been worth it for the friendships, laughter and incredible memories. I'm super grateful for that season in my life and the people I shared it with.

But if I've learned anything in my life, it's that change happens. It's inevitable. Just because you've found something good and you wish it would last forever, doesn't mean it will. In fact, it most likely means it won't. But I've also learned that change is the best way to grow. It's not easy, but since when is growth easy? there's a reason there's such a thing as "growing pains." That's how I see the changes in my life. Sure it hurts like hell sometimes, but I'd rather deal with the pain than stay a toddler my entire life and never experience...well...anything. So I've chosen to love, to live, to laugh...to feel. And I've been the better for it.

One of the senior blocks at the theatre quotes Job 23, saying "When he has tried me, I shall come forth as gold." This struck me when I actually read it instead of walking past it that life so often works this way. Fire hurts...ask any kid who sticks their hand in it cuz "it's pretty!" But fire refines gold and makes it worth much more-- makes it more perfect. 1 Peter 1:15 tells us that we are to be perfect as our Father is perfect. And I think that there's no better way to grow than to have to trust God in the midst of change.

So I say...bring on the fire!

.footprints.

2010-05-14T01:44:00.002-04:00

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Tonight I got to spend time with many people who have left footprints on my life. We all dressed up and enjoyed being fancy for a while. We smiled and took lots of pictures. We made a few last memories to add to the vast number of already existing ones. And I guess it was a good time.

But one of those people wasn't there. Unforeseen circumstances kept her away from an event that I know she would never have missed if she'd been given the choice. And she was sorely missed, by me and by others. It's hard to reflect on the past and to enjoy the memories with the people in them, when a person so significant is missing.

I was given an award tonight that could have gone to a number of people in that room. There is so much work that goes into that theater that doesn't come from me. But I was more than honored, albeit surprised, to have received it. I was grateful, but a part of me didn't want to accept it. It was supposed to come from her. She was supposed to be there. None of the blood, sweat, and tears that I offered up would have been useful or deserved if it weren't for her.

I don't know where my opening quote came from, but there's a lot of truth in it. Some people are in our lives for a season and then leave, passing quickly through. But others stay for a while, and take time to invest in us, and they are the ones who leave footprints on our hearts. They are the ones that we miss when we leave, the ones we seek to replace but never really can.

She was one of them.

Sure, tonight was great. Sure, it was fun. But it was incomplete. Because, more than any award, it is her friendship, wisdom, and love for which I am grateful.

.youth.

2009-09-23T00:25:00.002-04:00

I hate it when my stupid pride gets in the way of me hearing what I need to hear.

I grew up in the church. I grew up a pastor's kid and a missionary kid. I went to christian school for seven years. And I'm a christian education and bible double major. I like to think that when it comes to the Bible, I've got it down pat pretty well.

But oh how that's not true at all. Somewhere deep down inside, my knowledge tells me I can never know everything. A few days ago, I was quite worried about a very good friend who is having health problems. Not just "haphazard, slightly preoccupied" worried. I was scared. Real scared. It was all I could think about and I had pretty much completely lost focus.

A friend of mine recognized this problem and decided to fix it. She sat me down in the hallway and read me Psalm 23, emphasizing verse 4: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil, for you are with me." And it was so simple but it was exactly what I needed to hear.

But my filthy stupid pride wouldn't let me hear it. You know why? Because my friend is a freshman. And one who had been a part of the Christian world far less than I have. And I wanted to think I knew better.

I don't know exactly when I came to my senses but the voice of youthful wisdom eventually broke through my idiocy and i realized:

A. she was right.
B. I do not have it as together as I pretend I do
C. this freshman is far stronger and wiser than I will ever be

It's so like God to remind me that He'll be with me through the valley and smash my pride to bits at the same time, isn't it?

Oh...and to you, dear young one.....thank you.

.disappointed.

2009-09-17T22:23:00.001-04:00

How does one deal with disappointment?

Some get angry. Some get bitter. Some stuff it away to fester. And some simply give up trying. For good. Somehow none of these seem like great alternatives. But the advice often given to "just get over it" doesn't seem to adequately address the problem. Disappointment runs too deep to just "get over."with it come self-doubt, frustration, and hopelessness-- and you don't just get over those. You deal with them, most often extensively. And you know what--it's normal. Those things are going to come every now and again. But where on earth can we let these emotions take us, where we don't fall into destructive patterns of thinking?

Yesterday, a church billboard guided me to 1 Thessalonians 5:18-- "in everything, give thanks for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." So...through your disappointment-- give thanks. Through your self-doubt and frustration-- give thanks. Through your hopelessness-- give thanks. But why?

Well, not only are we commanded to do so, but also we are assured that "tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint." And there we come full circle-- the disappointment is vanquished and we are the better for it.

So the solution to the raging emotions that appear in the aftermath of disappointment...

...give thanks.

And never, ever, ever stop trying.

.torn.

2009-06-01T19:02:00.002-04:00

I have a love/hate relationship with distance: it loves me, and i hate it.

There is absolutely nowhere in this world that I can go, where I'm not very very far away from someone or some place I love dearly. "I miss you" and "I wish I was..." are a common occurrence in my conversations. And I hate that.

Not only do I hate the fact that my heart will always be in more than one place at once, but, more than that, I hate that I can never seem to focus solely on being exactly where I am. If I could truly live in the present and enjoy what I love about wherever I happen to be in that moment, I wouldn't need to miss, and I wouldn't need to wish.

But then again...isn't it the missing and wishing that makes the reunion that much sweeter?

I'm not sure.

All I know is that, regardless of the pros and cons, it hurts a lot to be so torn....

.home.

2009-05-28T13:11:00.003-04:00

Wow. It's been quite a while. Life kind of took off second semester and didn't stop...well...till it was over. But now, I'm home. And it may be the last time.

When I first found out we were leaving, it hurt. A lot. I was shocked, blindsided...it was so completely unexpected. That weekend was hard. But I was OK. I was with friends...and went back to friends...and they were just what I needed when I needed them. Every once in a while it would hit again that home wasn't going to be home anymore...and the pain and grief would flood back and I would mourn the loss of the ties to my childhood once more.

And then I got here. And my bed was buried in boxes, and our apartment was one huge garage sale. My books were sold or boxed, our furniture was sold or given away, our decorations were all off the walls....everything was different. We'll be going into Paris one last time before I leave....so I can say good-bye to the city of lights for...well... a while. We'll see how that goes.

But I've realized since I've been here, that though this country--and this city--holds a lot of memories and pieces of my heart, I'm ok with it just being a part of my life. It's been great--I've loved it here. But I'm a Taylor-ite now...and for at least another year...that has to be home. Life goes on and I think it's ok that home moves around. It's not easy to have my heart in so many places, but it has made (and makes) my life that much richer.

On the bright side of this move, my family will be closer than 6 hours from me-- and on the same continent--which hasn't happened basically since I was 10 years old. I'll see my brothers and my parents and we can kind of be a normal family again. And maybe there's something awesome that I can't even imagine about living in Perrysburg, OH. I mean...we ARE only an hour and a half from Cedar Point. That's gotta be good for SOMETHING right?

So for now, I'll enjoy my time home, and my last visit to my old stomping grounds (good ol BFA) while at the same time doing my best to look ahead and smile, knowing that God's got something great in store for my family...even if we have to live in.....Ohio :P

.missing pieces.

2009-02-02T23:39:00.004-05:00

today was a slow day. a long day. a quiet day.

i did a lot of sitting in class and meetings and alone in the study room/my room and not a lot of people-interacting. that's not very me-like and i'm not sure why today was the way it was other than that i was just really pensive today.

things have changed. i'm not sure what, how or when. but they've changed.

a place i once called home, a place in which i felt comfortable, a place that missed me when i was gone....is now a place that i feel like i don't fit in anymore. it's still home, and it's still where i come back to at the end of the day. but when i'm gone, it doesn't miss me anymore. and somehow, selfishly, that hurts.

for most of this change i have no one to blame but myself, and the friendships and memories i've gained in the process are most definitely not something i regret. but sometimes i want to go back...to the days when i'd get a phone call, text or email wondering what i was up to and where i was. but i've become too predictable. the assumed forecast for my current location is consistently "away" and if i just happen to show up it's no more than a pleasant surprise.

if you're reading this and you're a part of what i'm talking about, please don't take offense. i still love you all dearly and i still very much enjoy your company. i'm almost glad that you don't get mad or frustrated anymore when i'm gone all the time. cuz i do enjoy the other part of my life as well.

i just wish that sometimes....you would miss the missing piece...and ask me to come back and complete the picture.

.bigger.

2009-01-15T08:52:00.002-05:00

it's been over a month since i last shared my thoughts with however few of you read this. mostly because there has been nothing much to report. home was great and j-term has been life as usual.

but last night is deserving of some kind of reflection....

a friend called it "sobering" which i find very appropriate.

at about 9:30 a friend called me in tears and told me that she was coming over to talk. i knew that she had been dealing with a lot of stuff so i was a little uneasy about what to do, but i wanted to be there for her and i knew that, if anything, i could at least hold her while she cried.

5 minutes later, one of our asians runs in frantically looking for our hall director, and, finding his PA instead, decided to report to him that his roommate had been hit by a car from behind and was in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. thus began several hours of people running around on phones, and the rest of us sitting around waiting for the next bit of news.

when my friend arrived, again a few minutes later, i let her cry and did all i knew to do to help her, all the while wondering what had become of our second youngest swallowite.

needless to say, not much studying got done. my friend left promising me she felt better. i still worried. news came that mark would be having minor surgery in the morning and that he would be fine. i was still shaken.

the title of this post is a repeat of one i wrote last year. i was reminded of this in the midst of everything last night. no matter how scared i get, no matter how much i hurt for my friends, no matter how much life feels so out of control, i know the One who's on the throne.

and He's bigger.

2 Corinthians 12:9a- "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (NIV)

.untitled.

2008-12-02T00:22:00.004-05:00

well, it's been a while. since my last post i've: finished a show, seen another, given a speech and turned in a paper, road tripped to VA and back, and seen HSM3 (i know..horror of horrors...i'm ashamed)

usually when i get on here to write, i've got something on my mind. this time, not so much. i'm hanging out in the lounge, with no immediate homework due, christmas decorations strung around, the smell of christmas sugar cookies still lingering, and the last notes of my christmas collection emerging from the speakers besides me.

now that i think about it, it's a pretty sweet deal. i'm realizing how little i appreciate everything i have. i'm a whiner and a complainer and even when things aren't really that much of a problem, i talk about them like they are. but if i really took the time to stop and look around and appreciate the great things i have in my life. i'm attending a great school, i'm well-fed and generally healthy, i live in the best dorm on campus, i have a coat and boots to get me through the winter weather, i have fabulous friends, i have an entire pseudo-family in the theater, and i have the bestest roomies on the face of the earth. and ya know..a lot of the time...i really do have a lot less homework than i make it sound like.

i guess this is what thanksgiving is supposed to be for...but i was too busy driving and feeling awkward in someone else's family to think about being thankful last thursday.

but now....upon further reflection....i'm not sure what else i could ever ask for.

i love us :D

.huh what?.

2008-11-04T12:16:00.005-05:00

that's kind of what's been going through my mind as this week hit me like a 2000 pound elephant on speed. i feel like i missed something....like the point at which my life became hell.

and yet here it is. i'm living it. and the worst part is that i know how much more there is to come. i can see it. till November 14th...i'm history.

but ya know what?

i know how it's all gonna get done. and i know it's not gonna be me.

thank God. cuz i couldn't do it. not even close. i'd already be flat on my face.

but mercifully monday's over and life's looking up cuz i made it through yesterday. YES!

JSYK...sometimes i think i hate the theater. but then i smack myself on the forehead and wonder what the heck i was thinking. cuz i love it. where else could i see nearly as often overwhelming proof that our God is bigger?!?!

.break-ing.

2008-10-18T00:50:00.002-04:00

the title has somewhat of a double entendre intentionally.

firstly, it's fall break. i've only had one class since 2 on wednesday and it's been pretty great to feel little to no responsibility for much of anything. many many people are gone from the dorm and those of us who are still here pretty much reside in the lounge for these couple days. thanks to friday's ingenuity, we set up stadium seating by lofting couches in our lounge and had a mario kart tournament in the lounge last night. it was pretty spectacular. also a group of us had a bonfire down by Taylor Lake....als pretty good.

on the other hand, it's been a tough weekend. i've been dealing with this stupid recurrent headache and i've been attempting to pound out a 15-20 page paper on two Bible verses. it was a huge struggle at first but now (again thanks to friday and some to dr. smith) i've got the hang of it and it's just a matter of discipline. also, times when everyone gets to go home are always hard on me...if only cuz i can't. not for a long while. plus...it's a busy theater weekend and it's dawning on me now just how much needs to be done in three weeks. add to all of this just the normal goings on...relationships, issues, complications, life...and it hasn't been easy.

so i've been break-ing. but i've also, in a sense, been breaking.

and i'm learning that that's not always a bad thing.

either one.

.blessed.

2008-10-05T21:55:00.002-04:00

content: desiring no more than what one has; satisfied

satisfy: to fulfill the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of a person, the mind, etc....

peace: freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc...

Matthew 5:6 - Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

I Timothy 6:6-7 - For godliness with contentment is great gain. For we bring nothing into this world and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Isaiah 54:10 - "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

These verses have been pretty huge for me these past couple days. There are a lot of things that i wish i could change about this year and about certain circumstances. And for a while i had been trying to fix them myself, even realizing that it was practically impossible. But recently, i've been learning the importance of contentment-- of finding full satisfaction in the person of God. I'm learning that if I hunger and thirst for God, he promises i will be satisfied. It's like the song says:

"All of [God] is more than enough for all of me"

It's definitely a huge struggle to be content. Though compared to many other people my life isn't all that bad, things could definitely be better. But I need to stop making efforts to rebuild bridges and patch holes and let the God of the universe be enough.

And I need to always keep in mind, as it says in the Isaiah passage above, no matter what happens, no matter how shaky the ground of life may seem, God in his compassion promises us peace-- his peace-- that will free my mind from the deluge of distractions and frustrations.

And so I continue to pray for contentment....satisfaction....and peace.....

.frustration.

2008-09-12T23:51:00.002-04:00

if i had to describe the first three weeks of my second year at Taylor in one word, it would be:

frustrating.

in more ways than one, for many various reasons. but so much has been frustrating.

-loving all (or most) of my classes, but being frustrated with a HUGE homework load
-loving being back here where it's finally starting to feel like home, but missing "home" home. so badly.
-wanting to get started in the theater and being excited for a new show, but STILL waiting on designs (grr.....cory....)
-loving our airband song but struggling to get people to make good on their word to be at rehearsals
-accepting that things are different this year for the right reasons, but fighting hard the temptation to go back to "the good ol days"

maybe, if i was allowed another word, it would be conflicting, for all the same reasons mentioned above. when i came back to taylor i had a sense of relief, almost, and i fell eagerly into the hugs that awaited me from friends i hadn't seen or heard from (stupid camp) all summer. i was just so grateful to be 'moving on' from the summer to a place that was already familiar to me. but then again i had this apprehension, because i knew that things would be different this year. and not necessarily always in a good way. it seems to be inevitable to experience the good without the bad.

and the worst part is, as i look to next year (yes i do realize it's only september) with a hope that maybe things will resolve by then, all i can see is more holes in my life than ever....and i'm not sure i really like that change of scene.......

kids kids and...well...more kids

2008-07-14T11:40:00.002-04:00

so this is the fourth week of camp. SO crazy. i can hardly believe i've been here that long!! i've gotten to know my fellow staffers SO well in the past couple weeks, and the kids have been exhausting, but so much fun and so rewarding in so many ways.

the campers we've had have been: 1. middle school 2. jr and sr high 3. elementary and now. middle school again.

i'm still not sure which age group i like best....cuz my first was GREAT but from what i hear apparently very atypical and my second week i only have 3 girls. i'm SO looking forward to sr high week next week, not only cuz i luv high schoolers but also cuz i'll get to see my friend kayla again who was here earlier in the summer for leadership training. my co counselor for the first three weeks was amazing. i LOVE my kelly to DEATH and i'm sad that we had to switch. angela is now my co. she's from texas and she's a riot and we also have a counselor in training with us named monica who is FABULOUS! she's SO great. so hopefully the next three weeks will be just as good as the first.

i've been thoroughly enjoying my time of lately. a bunch of us have off right after morning chapel and we just hop in jared's suburban and take off for....anywhere, really. as long as it's away from camp. if someone needs something we'll stop and pick it up then head back to camp but the best part is the fantastic conversation that takes place in the car. i got to know dan gray and jared really well just cuz of those little escapades to...nowhere...and they're great guys. all of the people on staff here are AMAZING (i can't emphasize that enough) and a highlight so far has really been getting to know them all. i wish that all you guys reading this could come meet them cuz i'm sure you'd all get along great. camp people are awesome like that!

anyways....just wanted to give y'all a little update. since it had been forever! know that i luv you all and i hope all of your summer's are going well. can't wait to see you all....whether sooner of later! lots of luv and hugs to all!

jess;)

.campfires and climbing walls.

2008-06-21T14:15:00.002-04:00

So i'm at camp. this post is going to be far more informational than the last one and i'll do my best to make it BRIEFLY informational cuz i know a lot of you don't really like reading ridiculously long posts.

i just spent a week in training. it was a lot of lectures on safety and procedures and rules and doctrine etc...kind of long and boring but definitely necessary. also a lot of getting to know the people that i'll be working with this entire summer. it's been a lot of fun and my fellow staff members are....amazing. they feel like family already. even as a new person from WAAAAYYY out of town, i've been immediately accepted and i feel like i've known them all for ages!

i also joined the worship team here. it's pretty much an amazing amount of fun. our leader is john messner (aka johnny mess) and he's pretty great (check out his band). he's hilarious, has a great voice, and has an incredible heart for leading worship. plus he's just a lot of fun. but i've had a lot of fun with learning crazy camp songs that i never learned as a kid....letting out all that excess energy i always seem to have. and then we practice serious chapel songs...we have a good group and it sounds REALLY good. i'm excited for camp to start.....

sooo..for now, i have 24 hours off. from 1 oclock today till 1 oclock tomorrow. and then the munchkins come! we found out today who our co counselors are going to be and i'm with sarah and kelly for this week and then just kelly when more kids come next week. i'm kind of pumped. sarah's been in my cabin for the past week and she's pretty awesome, and i've gotten to know kelly a bit and she seems pretty great too.

but..just to make you guys all jealous..i just thot i'd post a short list of what i've been doing. camp hasn't even started yet and i've already:

played dodgeball, soccer, basketball, kickball, and ultimate, climbed the MEDIUM climbing wall (caroline'd be proud of me), got on the swing of ridiculous scariness (i'll post a vid if i can), and spent an evening at chuck e cheese's with my girls!

it's been a CRAAAAAAZZZZYYYY week!

anywho's..luv you all!!! i'll do my best to keep you updated when i get the time!

me ;)

.surfing polar bears.

2008-06-18T12:16:00.002-04:00

so, in case you couldn't tell by the insanity of my title (haha), i'm at summer camp and will be for the next dos meses (that's months....for those of you non spanish speakers out there).

it was a little rough at first....new place, new people, just got over jet lag....meh. but it's been a few days and i've gotten to know some people and it's been great. from running around with pool noodles, to screaming songs about sheep and watermelons , to just hanging out with awesome people, it's been a ridiculously crazy couple days.

we did an Amazing Race, camped out at a different middle of nowhere than where the camp is, swam in a couple lakes, got blobbed to kingdom come, played some hardcore basketball, sat in way too many lectures (oh my poor aching back) kicked butt in several foosball games (BRING IT ON!) and mucho mucho mas.

anyways...it's lunchtime so i've gotta peace out. but in case you were wondering, my title is a tribute to a certain hippy pirate wanna be with exceedingly strange...philosophies?..about global warming....:D

i'll catch y'all later...and if you're reading this...chances are i love you and miss you!

me;)

.your turn.

2008-06-06T18:55:00.002-04:00

wow.

these last two days were anything but what i expected.

that's probably cuz i expected them to be easy, to breeze right through them...48 hours of fun.

wow.

the end of any year at BFA is hard. ridiculously, tear-jerkingly, heart-wrenchingly hard. and after 7 of them, i know how much it hurts. and after last year, i know how mush it hurts to leave. it's not just leaving a place you grew up in, a place full of memories, a home. it's leaving people, friendships that mean more than anything, bonds comparable to none other, lives impacted in too many ways to count. and the hardest part about BFA is-- these goodbyes are most often very final, very terminal in nature. oh sure we'll all see each other in heaven some day. but as true as that is, it doesn't seem much comfort through bitter tears and last hugs.

and now that i know what leaving is like, how much pain one actually has to endure in one day, it killed me to watch people that i love with all my heart have to go through it themselves. i would rather go back and do it again myself, than watch them hurt. it was literally killing me. i didn't cry at my graduation. i cried today.

but as much as i want to fix things, i can't, and i shouldn't. it's a step they have to take, just like i did, and a barrier they'll have to learn to hurdle. it's a part of life, albeit a sucky one, but i know that i am stronger for it, and i can only pray that they will be too.

i know that very few people read this, but those of you that do, and are leaving, i want you to know that you are in my prayers. i know what you're going through, and i know it sucks, but i pray that you'll lean on the One who is constant and remember that you're never never alone. i also pray that you can move into the next phase of your life, while still cherishing the friendships and the memories of BFA. as my good friend yohan put it today (kind of) in his valedictorian speech: "remember, and race on"

.blast from the past.

2008-05-27T09:31:00.003-04:00

so i spent the past week at BFA...at which the past 7 years of my pre taylor life took place. and it was interesting....so very interesting...

on one hand, it was AMAZING to be back. it was just like going home after WAY too long. palmgarten dorm life: meals, pots and pans, computerizing, the porch swing, putting little ones to bed, etc... i fit right back in-- everyone knew who i was, why i was there, and where i belonged. even the new girls didn't find it weird that i was there and knew who they were. one told me "even tho i wasn't here last year, it still feels normal that you're here!" (thanks schenk :D) and another asked me to put her to bed (katey, you're great!). people passed me at school and it would take a second for them to realize that i was an abnormality....especially teachers. it was fabulous to be back again...

but on the other hand, i was now looking at BFA from the outside. as much as i told myself and others that i wasn't a "visitor", as an alumni, i'm no longer student, i'm not staff, and therefore am, technically, an outsider. i was able to step outside of what used to be my comfort zone and see both what makes BFA so great, and what makes it not always so great. it's always been hard for me to express why exactly BFA is so special, so unique, such a different experience. but i saw it...michele phoenix somehow managed to put words to it. but i was also exposed to those parts of BFA that could be improved, that are not all that they could be, and was reminded that nowhere is perfect. and i also felt a surprising lack of emotion at leaving...heck i still miss all those people like crazy. but it was good to find that i was no longer unhealthily attached to a place that is my past. sure it will always hold important memories-- many painful, but most beautiful. but i'm glad i was able to find my new "home" to be truly a new home. if that makes any sense.

ya know...it's really the people that make a place what it is. thank you SO much to all you at BFA who made my years there the amazing-ness that they were and who provided those memories that i will always cherish. and thank you as well to all you at Taylor who have helped it so quickly become a huge part of my life. i love you all!!!

.bittersweet.

2008-05-15T03:42:00.002-04:00

just like at the end of every year (and just as i contemplated in my last, seemingly unread post) i return again to the word bittersweet. somehow that word totally and fully encompasses everything i feel in these last couple days, and especially last couple hours. in a little under twelve hours i'll be leaving Taylor and all the wonderful friends i've made here this year....for three long months.

as i was talking to a roommate of mine online yesterday, i told her something that surprised me so much i went back and read it and realized that i really liked what i had just told her (ha...i'm lame. i know):

"departures and arrivals; goodbyes and hellos; pros and cons to everything create that bittersweetness that is always so painfully recurring. but euny, without the bitter, we'd never have the sweet. we'd never grow. we'd never be tested. and we'd never have to lean on God to be our everything."

does that mean i like it any more? nope.
does that make it any easier? absolutely not.
does that mean i can get used to it? wrong again.
but does it mean that God's faithfulness will never cease to amaze me? always.

"God is bigger than a 36 foot dragon" and he's bigger than a thousand goodbyes.

.of life and love and poorly timed goodbyes.

2008-05-11T17:55:00.001-04:00

once again it's the end of the year.

these always come all too soon, and yet not soon enough.

and somehow, the timing always seems to be so inconvenient.

i'm completely excited for the summer to be here. i'm so sick of school, and homework, and papers, and thinking and reading, etc, etc, etc...

and yet, there's so much here i don't want to leave; so many people i don't want to leave; so many memories i want to hold on to; so much time that i don't want to waste; so many things that i don't want to wait three months for.

but i was told recently, "it'll be alright" and as simple as that statement is...somehow it made everything better. if they can hold me in a hug, say those words and really believe them, it makes me want to believe them too.

and after all, 3 months really isn't that long...

right?

.helpful?.

2008-04-19T23:28:00.002-04:00

Why is it that whenever i try to be helpful, it usually ends up backfiring and threatening the very thing i was trying to save?!?!

Sometimes i fail way too badly for my own good....or anyone else's for that matter....

.realizations.

2008-04-15T19:50:00.002-04:00

I just talking about all the friends I have here, and all the people that I would introduce to anyone that would come and visit me. And it hit me....

SO SO SO much has changed about my Taylor life since January. When I finally stopped doing my own thing which just resulted in my banging my head up against a wall, when I let God take control and trust that he knows what he's doing, and when i decided to not be scared of new situations, there's just so much more peace about life in general.

Since that day, approximately 3 1/2 months ago, I have made some of the best friendships I think I will ever have. Not to say that there aren't people I was close to before that aren't still amazing. But if I just listed people that have been good friends for me this year, a good majority of them, I met during j-term.

As hard as it was to realize that I had screwed up, that realization is what enabled me to live my life unfettered and in peace and to find those relationships that I had been searching for so much before.

Thank God for lessons well-learned, and for the blessing of friends who care and are just all-around awesome ;)

.frustration.

2008-04-11T05:53:00.002-04:00

I'm currently writing a paper for my expository writing class. It is a persuasive paper, intended to bring to light a problem at Taylor and find a solution for it.

A situation came up last night in which two people that I love very dearly were hurt and frustrated, essentially because of such a problem.

When I started writing, I realized how angry I was. I don't get mad easily. But when my friends are hurting, I hurt for them. And i'm never ever very happy with the cause of that hurt. Especially when it's something so stupid and could be easily fixed if someone in Taylor's administration cared enough.

Unfortunately, all I can do is write a paper. It can't really change anything. I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away.

But I can pray. And I can pray hard.

They need it.

.yesterday.

2008-03-26T13:12:00.002-04:00

"...all my troubles seemed so far away..."

it's true. yesterday was fantastic. i'm not sure it could have been better. except for ONE thing.

good things:

1. i am no longer bankrupt

2. we had crepes for lunch

3. i MADE the crepes for lunch

4. erik randomly came over

5. we saw horton hears a who

6. i got a much needed new pair of jeans

7. we went out for pizza

8. tickets.......;)

happy day!

bad things:

the one and only: i missed a call from janet.....FIVE minutes after i left my phone for the first time ALL DAY (including the movie...whoops)

but it was pretty fantastic. and today, should be great too. except for the part where i did homework this morning. ew.

.both favorite.

2008-03-24T21:09:00.004-04:00

i absolutely love these two people (plus the camera woman, por supuesto!)

this video perfectly captures the personality of both of these kiddos.

oh how i miss them.....

SB (not sara bailey....spring break)

2008-03-23T22:39:00.001-04:00

SOOOOOOooooo.....

i'm in chicago.

and it's cold.

and i'm being reminded how much i like little kids. ;)

i <3 anberlin

2008-03-17T00:38:00.002-04:00

my new addiction. i really like anberlin.

bradley....you're my hero ;)

INEVITABLE

Do you remember when we were just kids
And cardboard boxes took us miles from what we would miss
Schoolyard conversations taken to heart
And laughter took the place of everything we knew we were not

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

Amazing how life turns out the way that it does
We end up hurting the worst, the only ones we really love

I wanna break every clock
The hands of time could never move again
We could stay in this moment (stay in this moment)
For the rest of our lives
Is it over now hey, hey, is it over now

I wanna be your last, first kiss
That you'll ever have
I wanna be your last, first kiss

this song is fantabulous ;)

me gusta.

.mad.

2008-03-10T06:50:00.002-04:00

there is nothing that makes me more angry than people hurting my friends.

it's pretty hard to get my genuinely angry at me for ANY length of time longer than, say, 2 minutes.

but when people i care about get hurt, it makes me mad.

i don't know if that's the definition of "righteous anger", but i feel like it could be, although it's possible i'm just rationalizing.

and what if i'm more angry than the person who actually got hurt? what if they get over it quickly, or just don't think about it, but anger would still be perfectly valid?

i guess sometimes i just do it for them...

but why, why, WHY would anyone want to instigate pain?

why?

i'm pretty sure i'll never understand...

.lolcatz.

2008-03-07T04:10:00.002-05:00

this is hysterical...especially when you've seen the rest and it's 4 in the morning!

http://www.lolcats.com/view/10518

:smile:

.wet.

2008-03-04T00:05:00.003-05:00

"it's raining
it's pouring
the old man is snoring"

what's with the "children's" song anyhow??! the guy hits his head and doesn't get up? is he dead? does he have a concussion? does he need to be hospitalized?!? seriously....who sings that to a little kid?!?

but it is raining. unfortunately. it's hindering my visit to berg to hang out with some fantastic people. it shall have to be for some other time i suppose....

yet....i like rain. it's a fresh cold rain and if i wasn't so nice and warm and had some ridiculously insane people around (oh wait..i do) i'd go prancing around in it.

but for now i'll settle for IMing people at random locations around campus, listening to the moulin rouge soundtrack (*sigh* ewan mcgregor) and putting off my hw till tomorrow morning.

i think i love life right now.

.shhhhh.

2008-02-28T21:25:00.002-05:00

Silence.

it's a scary concept, being alone and being quiet. today's culture tells us that we need to be on the go, need to be productive, need to interact with people.

but i think we've all forgotten the value of silence. how often do we read of jesus going off by himself to pray, and yet we dismiss this silence, this meditation, this solitude as unnecessary, impossible, or mystical.

whatever our excuse, it just doesn't happen anymore. but it has so much more value than i think most of us today realize.

some quotes from things that i've been reading recently (for class nonetheless):

"You can listen to silence, Reuven. I've begun to realize that you can listen to silence and learn from it. It has a quality and a dimension all its own. It talks to me sometimes. I feel myself alive in it. It talks. And I can hear it."
-Danny Saunders, in Chaim Potok's The Chosen

"Silence is the room we create for the searching of God, where we hear his voice and follow." -Mark Buchanan, Your God Is Too Safe

"Only when we have learned to be truly silent are you enabled to speak the word that is needed when it is needed."
-Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline

all three of these books have so much more to offer and i would encourage you all to read them, you know, in your free time ;)

but honestly. when was the last time you were totally, completely.....silent.

so........shhhhhhhhhhhhh......

.bigger.

2008-02-22T11:58:00.004-05:00

"God is so much bigger than a 36 foot dragon."

A friend said this to me, in the midst of feeling ridiculously overwhelmed by the daunting task in front of her of creating...well....a 36 foot dragon.

That hit home.

"God is so much bigger."

Than everything. Anything. Whatever our own personal dragon may be. God is bigger.

"God is."

Plain and simple.

la pluie

2008-02-19T21:04:00.003-05:00

http://www.deezer.com/track/142108

i listened to this song several times this evening, inspired by the paper i was writing about rain. and i decided that i really like it a whole lot more than i ever thought i did. it's kind of slow and mellow and i preferred a lot of the other songs on the album (which is fantastic if you're into french) but...i really do like this one a lot.

On voudrait savoir éviter
La pluie
Entre les gouttes se glisser
Deux, trois nuages et l'on
Court à l'abri
On n'aime pas trop se mouiller

On se dit qu'ailleurs
Sous d'autres latitudes
Le soleil est brûlant
Même en plein hiver
On rêve d'Orient,
De cap au sud
De sable et de mer

Et l'on attend sous des portes
Cochères
Ou transi sous un parapluie
On met des chapeaux, des gants,
Des impers
On se cache, on se rétrécit

Faudrait pas s'éloigner,
Rester dans son coin
Une averse et l'on risque
D'être surpris
Pas de jolie vie,
De joli chemin
Si l'on craint la pluie

On prie le ciel
Et les grenouilles
Et l'hirondelle
Que le temps tourne
Comme tourne la chance
Dieu que tout baigne
Quand il y a du soleil
Mais voilà,
Le mauvais temps ça
Recommence

Mais
Dans les vies sèches
L'eau se venge aussi:
Y a des ouragans,
Des moussons,
Des déserts.
Autant apprendre
A marcher
Sous la pluie
Le visage
Offert

i don't wanna translate the whole thing....but it talks about how we spend our lives trying to avoid rain, running in between raindrops and we think of all the other places in the world where the sun shines even in the winter. but the last verse says this (roughly):

But even in dry lives
Water has its revenge
There are hurricanes
Monsoons
Deserts
Might as well learn
To walk
Through the rain
Our faces
Lifted (the french for that word is "offered", which, though it doesn't really make sense, gets the point across better..i think)

newness

2008-01-25T01:25:00.000-05:00

i've been finding out that the best things are found in the most unexpected places.

sometimes you never know what you really want, until you try something you thought you never would.

and many, many times, the people that you love the most are the people you have to look in the oddest places to find.

fun, friends, hugs, laughter, productivity, learning, accomplishment....

who would have known that i would find all of this and more somewhere so unlike me?

i did everything in high school: academics, music, sports, activities, missions trips

but there was one thing that i never did.

theater.

what was i thinking?!?!

church and panera

2008-01-20T15:28:00.000-05:00

"if any man is in Christ he is a new creation, the old has passed away behold the new has come." -2 Corinthians 5:17

story of my life right now....THANK GOD!

i really like guy's preaching. sometimes it goes really long and usually i would get really antsy, but i don't even notice generally. i really like what he has to say just about every week.

talked to him after church. turns out.....alliance coffees might be moving to france! wahoo!

and i might see becky next sunday! most likely!! yay! FINALLY.

i really miss all my BFA friends. some in particular.

panera for lunch. broccoli cheddar soup in a bread bowl. YUM YUM! ate with john and a bajillion of his friends. and it was actually really fun. should seen what he had for lunch. it was an un-identical twin of a bagel. haha....good times.

kk....i'm done. GO PARTRiOTS! i luv football....when my team is winning! :P

seeing you again....

2008-01-03T21:56:00.000-05:00

7 months, 21.5 hours, 4.5 months.

what kind of stupid ratio is that?!?!?

i don't think i like it very much.....

visitations

2007-12-31T19:33:00.000-05:00

today....we went to the neighbors house for a "gouter" (snack)

they have twins...7th grade twins (however old that is). and they're HYSTERICAL!

especially their daughter. she's a bright one. very quick witted, and VERY VERY funny.

and their mom made me feel better. every time i come home, i enjoy it alot. but it saddens me how much harder i have to think to speak french. i wish i could go back to the days where it came easier than english. where it was so natural. BFA has deadened my poor francais. but today, she said my french was "impeccable" (uhh...perfect-ish. i suck at translating). no accent. no nothing. and it made me feel like maybe there is still some of that little french girl in me, the one i used to be.

i leave tomorrow. goodbye home, hello school.

AND JANET!!!!!!! ;) yay!

i think i need to go to bed!

bonne annee tout l'monde! (for you anglophones out there....happy new year!)

i wish...

2007-12-29T07:01:00.001-05:00

i wish i could write
so i could describe for you
the sights and sounds
that are still
so familiar

i wish i could write
so i could describe for you
the lights, the traffic, the cathedrals
and the many, many people

i wish i could write
so i could explain to you
how i'm home
but not
belonging
but not

i wish i could write
so i could explain to you
the sigh in my heart
as i sit in my window
loving it
still longing for somewhere else
or even
somewhere else again

i wish i could write
so i could tell you
how much i miss you
and how much i wish
that we could
all of us
be together again

i wish i could write
so i could convince myself
that a life torn in three
or thousands
can be put back together
somehow

i wish i could write
so i could tell you
what's really up
cuz simple words
are insufficient

if only i could write...

it's christmastime in the city

2007-12-25T12:28:00.001-05:00

for those of you that didn't see my facebook album (which is probably not very many people) i feel like putting pics on here too! :P

le bord de la seine (from the car)

some bridge. i luv this pic cuz of the lampposts and the cathedral in the background.

i'm in love with the moon. and the pretty city colors ;)

and of course..the good old champs elysees, all lighted up for christmas.

i LOVE my city! it's so good to see something other than corn!

break-ness

2007-12-19T13:53:00.000-05:00

sooo....my roomie said i should blog.

so i am.

haven't been up to much. mostly on my computer watchin prison break with the bros. the church program on sunday went really well. we didn't have TOO many visitors but we had some so that was good.

yesterday we went out to the city to the christmas market. i'm a big fan of that market. lots of cool stuff. got lots of xmas shopping done. and took fun pictures. here's one of my faves from the train back.

alrighty. dinner time. swedish meatballs. yummy. luv to all. you know who you are.

christmas break

2007-12-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

there are a lot of things that i'm going to miss about this place over christmas break.

i would list them all like usual...

...but what i'm going to miss the most...

...is the part that won't be here when i get back.

simple pleasures...

2007-12-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

vanilla cinnamon coffee.

writing notes and laughing hysterically in.....well, yeah.

"falling in love with jesus" WITH harmonica.

"yeeee-hao", an asian cowboy happy bday.

friday singing in the car.

friday watching enchanted.

enchanted in general.

unlimited breadsticks.

friday's chipmunk, pimp.

david being freaked out at friday's chipmunk, pimp.

bringing a smile to a friend's face.

fake ID's as ice scrapers.

paul's confusion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
but not everything is pleasurable....

i hate hurting for my friends.

specially when there's nothing i can do.

inwardly sighing

2007-11-30T02:58:00.000-05:00

today was kind of a weird day. got a nap or two in ;) i've missed those! got out of public speaking...that was nice. but it was weird for more reasons. there've been a lot of things on my mind.

christmas break is so close and yet so far. one more week of classes and four days of finals and yet it still feels a million miles away.

i love meeting new people. there are so many amazing ppl here and i've met so many since i've been here. but, as much as i luv that, i've been realizing lately that in meeting new people, i lose the time that i used to spend with other friends. friends that i really enjoyed spending time with. friends that i still want to spend time with. friends that i end up missing....when we live on the same campus...or the same dorm...

january first can't come fast enough. nuff said.

i wish there were more than 24 hours in a day. no, i take it back. i wish ppl only needed like 4 hours of sleep so that we would all have THAT much more time to hang out. that would go a long way in solving that other problem.

i'm always up for a good philosophical slash theological discussion every once in a while. it's generally intellectually stimulating and my brain enjoys the work out. but lately i've taken to thinking.....do those things really matter? does it matter exactly what a certain word was meant to be translated as, whether we were predestined or not, or what Paul meant by a certain verse? as my AP bio and chem teacher liked to say, God is not going to condemn someone to hell because they believed the world was created in 7 days or 7000. so what's the point of arguing?!?!

ok....i'm sure it's just going to degenerate from here seeing as it's pretty late (or early if you're elijah) and my awaken-ness from the bitter cold outside seems to be wearing off. i think i'll be off to bed.....

things i learned in nebraska

2007-11-26T01:52:00.000-05:00

i was muchly educated over thanksgiving break. really.

1. on an automatic transmission cars, when you go from park to drive, the reverse lights flash!

2. if you have cruise control, you can drive hours and hours with simply your right thumb!

3. blue rockstar energy drinks are pretty good, until you get to the bottom at which point it tastes a little bit like medicine.

4. driving on the road with no license plates is illegal. driving in a field however is not.

5. the amazon is NOT in africa.

6. "65, you can be comfortable in a t-shirt or long sleeved T. 50 is good for a jacket. 40 is getting cold and anything lower than that and you're done for" (my lesson in fahrenheit...thanks ru)

and last but most certainly NOT least

7. "Soy Bomb" is Spanish for "I am bomb".

as i said....VERY very educational.

on: nebraska

2007-11-21T20:12:00.000-05:00

so we made it...after both our flights getting delayed, a heckuva lot of turbulence in the air, and a ridiculously long run through o'hare. but we made it nonetheless.

the brothers: so much fun. the two youngest, jared and tommy, are really cute and the oldest younger one james and the older one ben are hilarious and a lot of fun. at least from what i can tell after one day. we'll see what i think by the end of the week. it does make me miss my own brothers though.....

the parents: so nice. that's all i have to say about that. pretty much amazing.

the house: such a cute little farmhouse. slightly chilly but not so bad.

and finally, nebraska: cold, but along with that came my first snow of the year. not much, just a dusting, but enough to be a first snow in any case. enough for there to be (according to james) 4 cars in the ditch on the way to school. it's way in the middle of nowhere, i have no cell phone signal (feel free to try, sometimes i have ONE bar....but rarely) but it's still fun.

and i've discovered that guitar hero isn't as dumb as i had originally presumed it was. that probably has a lot to do with the fact that, not only had i never played it, i'd never even SEEN it played. so we remedied that for several hours this afternoon ;)

and now..just chillaxing, waiting to see what will happen next so i can go with the flow, and trying to figure out the best way to keep my toes warm!

happy thanksgiving everybody and happy birthday to my bestest friend EVER! i luv you dear!

it's 0:36...

2007-11-20T00:36:00.001-05:00

...and i'm still awake.

now while this isn't anything extremely odd, it is odd in that all i'm doing is sitting on my computer, not talking to anyone, just typing.

and listening to everything in my itunes collection with the word home in it.

i'm so ready to be home.

sometimes i have to let go of something good, because it's not as good as something better.

but i'm not sure it's better yet.

thanksgiving should be a whole lot of fun cuz i'm going home with my friend, ru.

but i still wish that it was christmas.

mom and dad, josh and caleb, city lights and sounds, christmas market, virvolte (if you don't know what that is, it's probably better that way), and much much more.

parfois je souhaite que tout redevienne comme c'etait avant. avant ici. avant l'annee derniere. avant la fin.

but i would have missed out on so much.

i suppose....